linds, can i barrow you for a few minutes? I need you right now.
My mind has been an endless battle lately. It's running day and night not stopping, working at life, figuring, trying to make sense of it. It's a silly task for one brain to take own i know but it seems so necessary to me right now. I want to be able to walk into a room and have a sense of myself. Right now there is so much unanswered for me that most of the time I don't know what should come out of my mouth or what my actions should be. I need some ground to stand on. That's why I am wrestling so hard.
It's been a few things that have got me going on this lately. Conversations mostly. People that I work with. Mike is a musician. He writes beautiful, real songs about life and relationships. He grew up in a christian home but now he says he can't morally be a part of organized religion. I say things like I just can't let go of hope. I can't stop believing that there is redemption and healing for us. He will say well, that's a beautiful thought but is it realistic? In the end what can you really know? You are responsible for how you life your own life. In walking away it seems like he has gotten closer. Closer to what? Truth, purpose, love....the way.
Rae is an atheist. She grew up in a catholic home. The painful things that have happened to here growing up have brought her to the conclusion that God can't exist. He doesn't answer prayer. Evolution makes more sense. It's her religion. We have conversations about what can really be proved. About "religious people" that have developed a theology that makes them safe but not real. Cole, Lindsey, Nate...... all of them. Their experiences so different their conclusions so different.
So it has me wondering.... can the way really be what I though it was? Just because somehow I have been able to put all of the pieces of the puzzle together in my brain means that I win! I get that God is God that Jesus is Jesus and that he died on the cross for my sins. I win. I'm in. You on the other hand didn't quite get all of the pieces. It's obscure I know but just open your eyes.
I was driving the other day working and working at this in my brain. Puzzling. I think I was close to making my own brand of religion that would get even more people screwed up! I did walk away with something though. There has to be A WAY. We as humans are not capable of coming up with it on our own. We need to be shown. We need to follow.
I went to the movie theater and watched "Into the Wild" last night. I loved the boldness, the abandon, the pure stupidity at times. :) I can wildly and whole heartedly take that God exists. That He represents everything good and whole. That He is not far away. He is very, very present.
I still can't wrap my mind around "being saved".
I had a very long conversation about this with one of my pastors. He kept saying it all comes down to Jesus. I have heard this before. Over and over. I would have said it before. Is this really the part that I can't swallow? The Jesus part?
Scenario- (because I can't let go of Jesus.) Jesus did die on the cross. He is the way. He is going to come back. Heaven is going to collide with earth. Our redemption. If a person is not living in the way this will not seem like heaven to him. It really has never made sense to me that you say the prayer and then all of the sudden you have the Holy Spirit in us. Where the hell did we get that from? Where the hell did we get hell from too?
Ahhh. Natalie this is sounding an awful lot like universalism. You know what? Can we just be real here? Be willing to admit that maybe our little minds have screwed around with the truth so much that we have tried to turn it around for our gain? Maybe it comes down to that. Am I brave enough to take the truth even if it is not safe for me. How to decide what the truth is well... that's why I need a way isn't it?
You are now seeing the circles my mind is taking. Bless and curse this brain of mine!
I am not sure when I am going to see the other side of this.
At the end of the conversation with, Curt, he said something to me. Pray. Pray, Natalie.
I can do that.
