Reason I'm here...

I called you and you were probably still working. The sun is finally out here in MI. I am glad for it's company. I am desiring company of another kind though. The other day my pastor and I were joking about how she was acting like my mom. She said,"well someone has to take care of you out floating in the universe..." It rung true inside me. I have people around me but I don't have a person. Anyway... so that's why I'm here writing you. Even though you are all the way in Cali ,very removed from my everyday life, you are the closest I've got.

I have another song running through my head. I just bought an ipod so that's why there has been a theme of posting songs lately. :) It goes like this. . . "I want to take the preconceived out from underneath your feet-We could shake it off and instead we'll plant some seeds-We'll watch them as they grow and with each new beat from your heart the roots grow deeper and reach for what? Nobody really knows-But underneath it all there's this heart all alone." I have been brushing up against this sense of how safe I live. I live so boxed up, so afraid of turning the wrong way, doing the wrong thing. It might keep me safe but it also keeps me from feeling things, learning and knowing things. If I allow the preconceived to be knocked from under my feet will it make room for new seeds to grow?

Then there is this poem from Mary Oliver-

LISTEN, are you breathing just a little,
and calling it life?...
For how long will you continue to listen to
those dark shouters,
caution and prudence?
Fall in! Fall in!

You, Me

Still thinking about you.... Is joy possible for you right now? If you can find it hold it close. It is a life force.

I played at a bar again the other night. :) This new stage of my life has been so freeing. This realization that I am the only one that can see what's inside of me. Why have I been looking to other people to tell me what's there? Now I am trying hard to hand onto that sense of myself.

I am glad you are here.