Battle in word form.

linds, can i barrow you for a few minutes? I need you right now.

My mind has been an endless battle lately. It's running day and night not stopping, working at life, figuring, trying to make sense of it. It's a silly task for one brain to take own i know but it seems so necessary to me right now. I want to be able to walk into a room and have a sense of myself. Right now there is so much unanswered for me that most of the time I don't know what should come out of my mouth or what my actions should be. I need some ground to stand on. That's why I am wrestling so hard.

It's been a few things that have got me going on this lately. Conversations mostly. People that I work with. Mike is a musician. He writes beautiful, real songs about life and relationships. He grew up in a christian home but now he says he can't morally be a part of organized religion. I say things like I just can't let go of hope. I can't stop believing that there is redemption and healing for us. He will say well, that's a beautiful thought but is it realistic? In the end what can you really know? You are responsible for how you life your own life. In walking away it seems like he has gotten closer. Closer to what? Truth, purpose, love....the way.

Rae is an atheist. She grew up in a catholic home. The painful things that have happened to here growing up have brought her to the conclusion that God can't exist. He doesn't answer prayer. Evolution makes more sense. It's her religion. We have conversations about what can really be proved. About "religious people" that have developed a theology that makes them safe but not real. Cole, Lindsey, Nate...... all of them. Their experiences so different their conclusions so different.

So it has me wondering.... can the way really be what I though it was? Just because somehow I have been able to put all of the pieces of the puzzle together in my brain means that I win! I get that God is God that Jesus is Jesus and that he died on the cross for my sins. I win. I'm in. You on the other hand didn't quite get all of the pieces. It's obscure I know but just open your eyes.

I was driving the other day working and working at this in my brain. Puzzling. I think I was close to making my own brand of religion that would get even more people screwed up! I did walk away with something though. There has to be A WAY. We as humans are not capable of coming up with it on our own. We need to be shown. We need to follow.

I went to the movie theater and watched "Into the Wild" last night. I loved the boldness, the abandon, the pure stupidity at times. :) I can wildly and whole heartedly take that God exists. That He represents everything good and whole. That He is not far away. He is very, very present.

I still can't wrap my mind around "being saved".

I had a very long conversation about this with one of my pastors. He kept saying it all comes down to Jesus. I have heard this before. Over and over. I would have said it before. Is this really the part that I can't swallow? The Jesus part?

Scenario- (because I can't let go of Jesus.) Jesus did die on the cross. He is the way. He is going to come back. Heaven is going to collide with earth. Our redemption. If a person is not living in the way this will not seem like heaven to him. It really has never made sense to me that you say the prayer and then all of the sudden you have the Holy Spirit in us. Where the hell did we get that from? Where the hell did we get hell from too?

Ahhh. Natalie this is sounding an awful lot like universalism. You know what? Can we just be real here? Be willing to admit that maybe our little minds have screwed around with the truth so much that we have tried to turn it around for our gain? Maybe it comes down to that. Am I brave enough to take the truth even if it is not safe for me. How to decide what the truth is well... that's why I need a way isn't it?

You are now seeing the circles my mind is taking. Bless and curse this brain of mine!

I am not sure when I am going to see the other side of this.

At the end of the conversation with, Curt, he said something to me. Pray. Pray, Natalie.

I can do that.

What's in my head?

I started knitting. It's going to be a loooong time before I finish though.

I'm OK being me again. Yep! It's good.

There is Irish Oatmeal boiling in the kitchen. I am going to eat it soon. I'm starving.

I am going to be moving soon. Yeah!

In our meeting today Curt said he noticed about me that I like a lot of freedom. I like to be free to create without bounds. How true that is! No wonder all the chafing here.

You have a lot of reading to do now.

There is reason to all of this. Where I am. I am not suppose to be in school or off in another country trying to help someone. I am suppose to be here working at starbucks with it's sporadic schedule, learning about myself the world around me with all this loneliness, despair, open possibilities, maddening randomness. HEw! I'm OK.

Ha! That's about it running through my brain over and over again.

I'm OK. I'm OK. I'm me. It's good. It's good.

I want to see your face and hear your voice soon.

It's a burrrrizard out there!

There is so much white falling from the sky right now! Every winter is culture shock to me I think. On the way home I got stuck in the snow but some guys helped push me out! So I guess it's going to be me holing up in the house for awhile. It's cozy actually.

I spent the afternoon reading at a bookstore. I found this book called The Mystery of the Child. He has some very insightful thoughts. He gives words to what I have been frustrated about as far as children's ministries goes. He gets pretty philosophical and scientific but it's good to wade through. I like the philosophy part. I think it's more how my brain works but I like how he backs it up with science. Anyways it's a good read.

Joy to you from snowy MI to sunnier Cali!:)

I've got the bluuuuueees.

Ohhh. I hope you get some good rest busy lady. I am sure you need it.

I have been sad all day today. I am not sure why. Is it really true that depression is an inner temper tantrum? I am really mad at whoever came up with that idea. Sometimes things just hurt right?

The day was actually really good. I babysat. It's always nice to play and laugh with those little girls. So why the underlying sadness? I have no idea it's just there. Honestly, it probably has something to do with feeling alone even thought I'm not. There is just a place in me that still is.

This was not a very good post to brighten up your sick day. I am glad there is someone to share this with though. Thank you.

Home sick today.

My class is going on a field trip without me. They are going to see Paul Revere's Midnight ride, while I sleep in late and am blissfully lazy.

All in my toes.

I'll be your Starbucks girl.:) Maybe I will move to WI and work at one. That is actually sounding better and better all the time.

I have had my moments of frustration this week. Actually I don't think I have been that frustrated for a very long time. Usually I get over it quickly but this I was ranting about to myself for about two hours! I had a project to do for church. I had a whole bunch of set backs and then by the time I was done it was one in the morning and it didn't even look nice! On top of that while I am suppose to be the children's ministries director I am struggling with why Sunday school is even in existence. At least in the form it has taken on in most churches today. I feel like we are taking God stuffing him in a box and putting a big bow on Him hoping that they will get "it" somehow. I mean really. How do you take the story of the Good Samaritan or the Mustard Seed and turn it into something that will be pertinent to a 4-5 year old? Maybe we are trying to explain to much. Wonder and getting so caught up in fun that you can't see anything else is such a part of being a child. So why are we telling stories that aren't entertaining? Why are they sitting with their legs crossed and their hands in their laps? Why are the craft projects we do so boring? Glue the cotton ball right here. Don't color outside of the lines. Oh you can't cut it here let me do it for you and you can take it home and pretend like you did something in Sunday school. :0 Seriously. I am so frustrated with it. See? I'm still storming!

There have been wonderful good to my toes moments too though.:) Yesterday I took the whole day off. I woke up late, went and got a triple americano ( my new favorite drink). Then I drove out to a reserve and wandered around on the trails for a couple of hours. The snow was mostly slush and I was soaking but it was so nice to be outside. There was a point though where I had wandered around trying to find my way back to my car and found myself in a place that I had already been. I was there standing with my feet solidly on the ground exhausted but laughing. It was a deep from the bottom of my stomach it doesn't matter who's watching cause this is so gloriously funny right now laugh! It felt good. After that I went to my favorite restaurant and read "the Brother's K" which by the way I think you would really enjoy! It really was the perfect day off.

Then this morning I got up for work and the doors to my car were frozen shut. Oh life!

A life motto? Hmmm I will have to think about that one. Is this for my whole life or just for right now. If it's for right now it would have to have something to do with being comfortable in my own skin. Hmmm.

I think of you. I love you.

Why is There Never A Starbucks When You Need One?

I had this whole rant in me about Starbucks uprooting and not being where you remember them being, losing cell phones and getting the runaround from people at IMAX when desperately searching for said phone. On top of that there has been drama galore at work and church. I've been so mad and frustrated this past week. God is bigger than it all, but frankly, I am just ticked at life not being what I want right now. I don't feel like ranting anymore, but God is going to have to be bigger than I am. When I walk into tomorrow, I pray that it is Him that shows up and not me.

Have you thought about what a motto for your life would be? I have been thinking about it for a while and I think now is the time.

So very chaffed!

Here I am at the end of a long day. I am satisfied with my work. I did an eight hour shift at Starbucks and then led a children's ministry meeting at church. I think that we are gaining headway. We are moving forward I am excited about dreaming and helping it happen. I saw better today why I am here. That I really do have so much to give myself to right here right now. Coming home isn't what I had hoped though. Jason and Angie are in the other room watching a John Candy movie and I don't know I just feel like something is missing. Maybe it is just that I am wanting a place to grow from, belong to. This is meant to be transient. I think my whole life is that way right now. It isn't suppose to be comfortable because I am not suppose to stay here long. It's just chaffing at me tonight. Well, it's pushing me towards something.

I got an email from a friend yesterday he said this," today, the world needs you. right now; this very moment, there are needs that you are to meet. go courageously forward with the confidence that your abilities can press, even a small bandage, against the wounds you see." It's amazing how those words haven taken root in me. Given me courage and new life. How powerful is the spoken word. These were a balm that heals and invigorates. So, I share them with you.

Oh yes you are needed! So very urgently. Your work matters. Your day matters. Your smile matters. Your voice matters.

Grace and peace to you.

The Growing One

Laugh a little or alot!

I am sitting here wondering if there will ever come a moment while my feet are standing on this earth where I am completely abandoned. Free. A moment where I simply am. No thoughts of what another is thinking or thought or will think. Not trying to be anything. Simply being and whatever response the circumstances elicit. A laugh, giggle, cry, scream, dance...... completely comfortable with now, with my own skin.

"It takes a lotta love, it takes a lotta love my friend to keep your heart from freezing. To push on to the end.. oh my ... oh my....."

Crayz weke

Big sigh of relief.

This week is finally over. So much drama over teachers and students freaking out over tests and a very tired me. Those combined with news of a former student being killed made this week a doosey.

Nat, your posts are so encouraging. Thank you.

I must say that teaching language arts is really fun. I like learning the spelling rules I never paid attention to before. Like when there is a vowel and a consonant at the end of a word like stop and you add an ending like -ed or -ing you double the consonant making stopping. If there is a consonant before a -y like in city you change to an -i for cities, but if there is a vowel and -y you don't. This stuff fascinates me! Weird, huh? I think the funniest was talking about contractions with my class. There is cannot which turns to can't and should not changing to shouldn't and then there is will not which naturally turns to willn't right? We all got a laugh out of that one. Oh, and you know what else all my 3rd graders thought was hilarious? The scene in the Magician's Nephew where Uncle Andrew is being planted and fed by all the animals! Wow- I never knew Narnia was so funny!

Another week in the life of Manhattan Academy I guess. And a three day weekend ahead. I am so glad.

Nothing special.

I don't have anything inspiring to say today. I am sure that there are things on my mind but they are all just the everyday things. I am trying to settle into my life. Enjoy what it is.

Yesterday I had a meeting at my church and now I am excited.:) Things are moving forward with the children's ministry! I have a whole list of things to get done. It is going to be fun to continue to learn and create. The church here really is amazing! It's what is keeping me in Grand Rapids.

Instead of starting on getting those things done today after work I slept and watched Harry Potter.:) I have watched all five now! I am sure the books are better but I really enjoyed the movies. Now I am writing here. It's good to be me.

Now I am going to continue on and do some dishes. Hmmm. Yep. That's life.

Seriously.

Seriously now. I don't really like talking just to myself. Well, sometimes when I am alone in a room but not when it comes to blogs!:) Soo where did you go?

Let's do something.

Time since....

I have been alone in the house for the last few days. Remember all of my ranting about wanting to live alone so that I could have a schedule? Well, it's probably overrated. I haven't been sleeping downstairs. I have been sleeping on the air mattress in the living room. By morning it has deflated and I am basically lying on the floor but somehow it's better than going and sleeping in the basement where it feels more lonely at night. Yes, life is very empty without people.

As time goes by my mind keeps drifting back to moments little pieces of conversation that we had. I have been so caught up in this restlessness. Always asking what else I should be doing. Where I should go next. While you girls were here there was a settledness. I am Natalie Case. This is my past. These are my friends. This is my life. It's wonderful. I want to hang onto the somehow. I don't need to be more. Who I am. What I have. Is absolutely wonderful.

I read this in an article on the train on the way home (which by the way took two extra hours due to weather and getting caught behind a freight train!). ---- "Let's get caught up in something, some kind of celebration in spite of the darkness inside and out. Let's join in, raise a glass to this story we're writing. We lose the plot at times, but it's our story, the only one we get to write our names on.

And so it always begins with family. The people that raise us up, haunted by their own childhoods...."

So, maybe the plot seemed a little bit clearer while the two of you were here. Celebration was near, palpable. Those hours at night when the house is lonely, the air mattress I am sleeping on is slowly sinking to the floor and fantasy is what keeps me company the plot seems to fade a little. But it's still a part of it. It's still to be celebrated. Taken in. It's the present. It's the story. It's my story. I don't need another one.

I am well.

You both happen to be sleeping in the other room right now! How amazing!

I am looking forward to the day.

Ah, such sweet fellowship!

Out with 2007 and in with 2008.
What better people to spend the rest of the year with!

Eat, Pray, Love

Nat, I am almost done with the book and have loved every bit!

Hey, we read the same book! We should talk!

Natalie

Hey Lady, it's been a while since we've been here. I was womdering what you are doing this coming weekend. I will be in Ohio from Tuesday until Saturday the 18th. Will you be around Saturday afternoon or Sunday?

As Jesus did.

" No one else can take the raw materials of life-skin and bone and blood and space and time and words and deeds and waking and sleeping and eating and walking and elicit from them a beautiful song of truth and goodness as Jesus did."

There is a burning longing in my heart to live like this.

Thanksgiving

Dearest friend, I am so eager to see you for Thanksgiving that I think I am going to go down and do something to my room to make it ready for you. It was good to talk to you today, so good to know you are out there and doing well.
love to you my dear sister friend,
much love from me.

Where are you?

Ok, girls. You are my solid ground. I need you. I think that you need to make it to this blog more often. Please! I need you.

Today has been one of those wonderful days that you just wonder all day long how you have been so blessed. I didn't work today so I got up late. I have been lounging around the house, reading, playing guitar and enjoying the life that I have been given. I am truly so blessed.

My thoughts have been so challenged with the book that I am reading. I have thought of God my whole life as intimately involved in my life. I know that He walks beside me and that He has a plan for me but today I have come to understand it in a deeper sense I think. I have always thought that He created and then was over His creation caring and intervening when He needed to. I am realizing today that it's not that way. I think that maybe He called creation into being and then He calls us from ahead. That's differant than pushing us from behind. It's not like the past is making room for the future but more like history is constantly being invited to recieve the gift of the future. He is out ahead calling us to follow. He also runs next to us wherever we wander untill we make it to Him in the end. My thoughts are a little bit disjointed but this just seems wonderful.

I need to go. I am going to go hand out with a friend for a little while. I love you girls. I have so much that I want to share with you. I don't want to become disconnected!

the Little One