A Magic Song

Flowering Spade

He has a flowering spade
Growing out of his chest
full of magic and healing

She is a flowering spade
as she moves and she sways
you can see that she feels it

She's off to dance with the goat boys
He's of to sail int your wide open ocean
She learned to sing from inside her
He learned to swim from a drop in the water

There are words there are signs
Close your eyes
there is magic inside you

Hear sparks in your mind
frames to chase your desire

She learned to cook from a sailor
He learned to cry in an elephant circus
She found a recipe for flyin'
He's growin' flowers to understand dyin'
Rejoice
Rejoice
There's no such thing as dying
Rejoice
Do you feel like flyin'?

-Sean Hayes

FREE NATALIE.

We had a store meeting last night so a few of us went out to a bar afterwards. There is one guys who is really fired up about social revolution. He raves about capitalism and how we need to speak up for ourselves. A workers peaceful revolution I guess you could say he wants. Then we got onto the topic of religion and money. The two things that seems to tare people apart. As they were talking I just sat there thinking this is too big for me. We all look at it and know that it is upside down. How to go about fixing it? Well there the opinions start to vary.:) Again it is tooo big for me. Which takes me to this. I think I am trying to live too hard. Whatever way I am trying sure doesn't feel free. Having an easy life isn't the point. But having a wholeheartedly free, loving, human life is right?

I was talking to my friend, Alex, on the phone last night. He was waxing eloquent about all the good that he sees around him everyday. He said he has started to trust himself. To take pleasure in things without feeling guilty. He has never been more happy. He has never embraced people with such great abandon! He was talking about how there are so many paths up the mountain and all of us have choices to make. Our own journey. He is convinced it's not so much the destination but the journey. It's seems far off but, Linds, he has really gotten closer to something.

So here I sit. I am thinking about my life. This world view (i don't know what else to call it. I guess it's a good word because it's how I interpret my experiences) I have that is such a part of me. I am convinced that there is something beautiful, good and whole to be salvaged from it. I want to be free and rid of everything else. I don't want it to be a part of me anymore.

So the world is too big and complicated for me. But maybe it just begins with a free Natalie.

The Evil Twin

There are days, weeks even, when some other girl seems to come out of my mouth. I love my students. They are beautiful and smart and wonderful. They are not perfect, but I wish never to forget their graces due to a sprinkling of annoyances. Father, let me love these children wisely and with deep, happy love.

In search of language...

I slept a lot the night before last. I slept A LOT last night. I am sure that there are lot's of psychological reasons why I didn't want to get up but as I was trying to fall asleep my mind was whirling as usual and this is what I decided. I know what I believe. I truly do. I think the problem is that I can't seem to convince anyone else that I do. I just don't have the words. So maybe I just need to find some language that expresses what I believe.

There are some things that I do have language for. I feel alone....but hopeful. I know that this pain is for a reason.

Who am I really?

Life has so much crap in it. Seriously. So much has been going on in almost every area of my life that I am tempted to drop to the floor and drown in a pool of woes. But who am I and what am I made of? This week has been a revealing one. With so much to complain about, I can, in all rightness march forward and proclaim myself victimized. Which is exactly what I spent yesterday doing. I went to bed with the words, "I am not doing this unless You are in it, God." Today I woke with the realization that he is not "in it with me," rather I am in it with Him. Life Sucks. Ok Linds, get over it already and get on with loving hurting people who are in your now.

"Weebles wobble but they don't fall down."

I have been doing a lot of wobbling. It is making me tired and a little dizzy but I haven't fallen over yet!:)

I made coconut curry soup and went over to my pastor's house last night. We had a really good conversation. She told me that I am like a weeble right now!:) The great thing is that she wanted to fix me but didn't try. She just engaged the conversation. I think that is somehow the beauty of all of this. No one can fix me. That's where this is taking me. All I can do is pray now. Either He comes to hold me or I'm stuck perpetually wobbling! Hmmm. I am actually not very worried.

Road Trip Anyone?

Have you read the post before this one yet? If you have then my need for this one will make more sense.

I have been thinking. I want to take a road trip. A long one. A couple of weeks. When else is my life am I just going to be able to drop everything and do it? I am going to be moving in with a friend in a couple of weeks but then I will only be with her until July. That would be the ideal time to go. I wouldn't be locked into a lease. I am thinking that I could have enough money saved by then. Buy a kayak maybe.:) Hit the road.

Do you want to come? I know it sounds a little bit crazy but I've just got this itch that isn't going away. Sooooo..... tell me your thoughts.

Battle in word form.

linds, can i barrow you for a few minutes? I need you right now.

My mind has been an endless battle lately. It's running day and night not stopping, working at life, figuring, trying to make sense of it. It's a silly task for one brain to take own i know but it seems so necessary to me right now. I want to be able to walk into a room and have a sense of myself. Right now there is so much unanswered for me that most of the time I don't know what should come out of my mouth or what my actions should be. I need some ground to stand on. That's why I am wrestling so hard.

It's been a few things that have got me going on this lately. Conversations mostly. People that I work with. Mike is a musician. He writes beautiful, real songs about life and relationships. He grew up in a christian home but now he says he can't morally be a part of organized religion. I say things like I just can't let go of hope. I can't stop believing that there is redemption and healing for us. He will say well, that's a beautiful thought but is it realistic? In the end what can you really know? You are responsible for how you life your own life. In walking away it seems like he has gotten closer. Closer to what? Truth, purpose, love....the way.

Rae is an atheist. She grew up in a catholic home. The painful things that have happened to here growing up have brought her to the conclusion that God can't exist. He doesn't answer prayer. Evolution makes more sense. It's her religion. We have conversations about what can really be proved. About "religious people" that have developed a theology that makes them safe but not real. Cole, Lindsey, Nate...... all of them. Their experiences so different their conclusions so different.

So it has me wondering.... can the way really be what I though it was? Just because somehow I have been able to put all of the pieces of the puzzle together in my brain means that I win! I get that God is God that Jesus is Jesus and that he died on the cross for my sins. I win. I'm in. You on the other hand didn't quite get all of the pieces. It's obscure I know but just open your eyes.

I was driving the other day working and working at this in my brain. Puzzling. I think I was close to making my own brand of religion that would get even more people screwed up! I did walk away with something though. There has to be A WAY. We as humans are not capable of coming up with it on our own. We need to be shown. We need to follow.

I went to the movie theater and watched "Into the Wild" last night. I loved the boldness, the abandon, the pure stupidity at times. :) I can wildly and whole heartedly take that God exists. That He represents everything good and whole. That He is not far away. He is very, very present.

I still can't wrap my mind around "being saved".

I had a very long conversation about this with one of my pastors. He kept saying it all comes down to Jesus. I have heard this before. Over and over. I would have said it before. Is this really the part that I can't swallow? The Jesus part?

Scenario- (because I can't let go of Jesus.) Jesus did die on the cross. He is the way. He is going to come back. Heaven is going to collide with earth. Our redemption. If a person is not living in the way this will not seem like heaven to him. It really has never made sense to me that you say the prayer and then all of the sudden you have the Holy Spirit in us. Where the hell did we get that from? Where the hell did we get hell from too?

Ahhh. Natalie this is sounding an awful lot like universalism. You know what? Can we just be real here? Be willing to admit that maybe our little minds have screwed around with the truth so much that we have tried to turn it around for our gain? Maybe it comes down to that. Am I brave enough to take the truth even if it is not safe for me. How to decide what the truth is well... that's why I need a way isn't it?

You are now seeing the circles my mind is taking. Bless and curse this brain of mine!

I am not sure when I am going to see the other side of this.

At the end of the conversation with, Curt, he said something to me. Pray. Pray, Natalie.

I can do that.

What's in my head?

I started knitting. It's going to be a loooong time before I finish though.

I'm OK being me again. Yep! It's good.

There is Irish Oatmeal boiling in the kitchen. I am going to eat it soon. I'm starving.

I am going to be moving soon. Yeah!

In our meeting today Curt said he noticed about me that I like a lot of freedom. I like to be free to create without bounds. How true that is! No wonder all the chafing here.

You have a lot of reading to do now.

There is reason to all of this. Where I am. I am not suppose to be in school or off in another country trying to help someone. I am suppose to be here working at starbucks with it's sporadic schedule, learning about myself the world around me with all this loneliness, despair, open possibilities, maddening randomness. HEw! I'm OK.

Ha! That's about it running through my brain over and over again.

I'm OK. I'm OK. I'm me. It's good. It's good.

I want to see your face and hear your voice soon.

It's a burrrrizard out there!

There is so much white falling from the sky right now! Every winter is culture shock to me I think. On the way home I got stuck in the snow but some guys helped push me out! So I guess it's going to be me holing up in the house for awhile. It's cozy actually.

I spent the afternoon reading at a bookstore. I found this book called The Mystery of the Child. He has some very insightful thoughts. He gives words to what I have been frustrated about as far as children's ministries goes. He gets pretty philosophical and scientific but it's good to wade through. I like the philosophy part. I think it's more how my brain works but I like how he backs it up with science. Anyways it's a good read.

Joy to you from snowy MI to sunnier Cali!:)

I've got the bluuuuueees.

Ohhh. I hope you get some good rest busy lady. I am sure you need it.

I have been sad all day today. I am not sure why. Is it really true that depression is an inner temper tantrum? I am really mad at whoever came up with that idea. Sometimes things just hurt right?

The day was actually really good. I babysat. It's always nice to play and laugh with those little girls. So why the underlying sadness? I have no idea it's just there. Honestly, it probably has something to do with feeling alone even thought I'm not. There is just a place in me that still is.

This was not a very good post to brighten up your sick day. I am glad there is someone to share this with though. Thank you.

Home sick today.

My class is going on a field trip without me. They are going to see Paul Revere's Midnight ride, while I sleep in late and am blissfully lazy.

All in my toes.

I'll be your Starbucks girl.:) Maybe I will move to WI and work at one. That is actually sounding better and better all the time.

I have had my moments of frustration this week. Actually I don't think I have been that frustrated for a very long time. Usually I get over it quickly but this I was ranting about to myself for about two hours! I had a project to do for church. I had a whole bunch of set backs and then by the time I was done it was one in the morning and it didn't even look nice! On top of that while I am suppose to be the children's ministries director I am struggling with why Sunday school is even in existence. At least in the form it has taken on in most churches today. I feel like we are taking God stuffing him in a box and putting a big bow on Him hoping that they will get "it" somehow. I mean really. How do you take the story of the Good Samaritan or the Mustard Seed and turn it into something that will be pertinent to a 4-5 year old? Maybe we are trying to explain to much. Wonder and getting so caught up in fun that you can't see anything else is such a part of being a child. So why are we telling stories that aren't entertaining? Why are they sitting with their legs crossed and their hands in their laps? Why are the craft projects we do so boring? Glue the cotton ball right here. Don't color outside of the lines. Oh you can't cut it here let me do it for you and you can take it home and pretend like you did something in Sunday school. :0 Seriously. I am so frustrated with it. See? I'm still storming!

There have been wonderful good to my toes moments too though.:) Yesterday I took the whole day off. I woke up late, went and got a triple americano ( my new favorite drink). Then I drove out to a reserve and wandered around on the trails for a couple of hours. The snow was mostly slush and I was soaking but it was so nice to be outside. There was a point though where I had wandered around trying to find my way back to my car and found myself in a place that I had already been. I was there standing with my feet solidly on the ground exhausted but laughing. It was a deep from the bottom of my stomach it doesn't matter who's watching cause this is so gloriously funny right now laugh! It felt good. After that I went to my favorite restaurant and read "the Brother's K" which by the way I think you would really enjoy! It really was the perfect day off.

Then this morning I got up for work and the doors to my car were frozen shut. Oh life!

A life motto? Hmmm I will have to think about that one. Is this for my whole life or just for right now. If it's for right now it would have to have something to do with being comfortable in my own skin. Hmmm.

I think of you. I love you.

Why is There Never A Starbucks When You Need One?

I had this whole rant in me about Starbucks uprooting and not being where you remember them being, losing cell phones and getting the runaround from people at IMAX when desperately searching for said phone. On top of that there has been drama galore at work and church. I've been so mad and frustrated this past week. God is bigger than it all, but frankly, I am just ticked at life not being what I want right now. I don't feel like ranting anymore, but God is going to have to be bigger than I am. When I walk into tomorrow, I pray that it is Him that shows up and not me.

Have you thought about what a motto for your life would be? I have been thinking about it for a while and I think now is the time.

So very chaffed!

Here I am at the end of a long day. I am satisfied with my work. I did an eight hour shift at Starbucks and then led a children's ministry meeting at church. I think that we are gaining headway. We are moving forward I am excited about dreaming and helping it happen. I saw better today why I am here. That I really do have so much to give myself to right here right now. Coming home isn't what I had hoped though. Jason and Angie are in the other room watching a John Candy movie and I don't know I just feel like something is missing. Maybe it is just that I am wanting a place to grow from, belong to. This is meant to be transient. I think my whole life is that way right now. It isn't suppose to be comfortable because I am not suppose to stay here long. It's just chaffing at me tonight. Well, it's pushing me towards something.

I got an email from a friend yesterday he said this," today, the world needs you. right now; this very moment, there are needs that you are to meet. go courageously forward with the confidence that your abilities can press, even a small bandage, against the wounds you see." It's amazing how those words haven taken root in me. Given me courage and new life. How powerful is the spoken word. These were a balm that heals and invigorates. So, I share them with you.

Oh yes you are needed! So very urgently. Your work matters. Your day matters. Your smile matters. Your voice matters.

Grace and peace to you.

The Growing One

Laugh a little or alot!

I am sitting here wondering if there will ever come a moment while my feet are standing on this earth where I am completely abandoned. Free. A moment where I simply am. No thoughts of what another is thinking or thought or will think. Not trying to be anything. Simply being and whatever response the circumstances elicit. A laugh, giggle, cry, scream, dance...... completely comfortable with now, with my own skin.

"It takes a lotta love, it takes a lotta love my friend to keep your heart from freezing. To push on to the end.. oh my ... oh my....."

Crayz weke

Big sigh of relief.

This week is finally over. So much drama over teachers and students freaking out over tests and a very tired me. Those combined with news of a former student being killed made this week a doosey.

Nat, your posts are so encouraging. Thank you.

I must say that teaching language arts is really fun. I like learning the spelling rules I never paid attention to before. Like when there is a vowel and a consonant at the end of a word like stop and you add an ending like -ed or -ing you double the consonant making stopping. If there is a consonant before a -y like in city you change to an -i for cities, but if there is a vowel and -y you don't. This stuff fascinates me! Weird, huh? I think the funniest was talking about contractions with my class. There is cannot which turns to can't and should not changing to shouldn't and then there is will not which naturally turns to willn't right? We all got a laugh out of that one. Oh, and you know what else all my 3rd graders thought was hilarious? The scene in the Magician's Nephew where Uncle Andrew is being planted and fed by all the animals! Wow- I never knew Narnia was so funny!

Another week in the life of Manhattan Academy I guess. And a three day weekend ahead. I am so glad.

Nothing special.

I don't have anything inspiring to say today. I am sure that there are things on my mind but they are all just the everyday things. I am trying to settle into my life. Enjoy what it is.

Yesterday I had a meeting at my church and now I am excited.:) Things are moving forward with the children's ministry! I have a whole list of things to get done. It is going to be fun to continue to learn and create. The church here really is amazing! It's what is keeping me in Grand Rapids.

Instead of starting on getting those things done today after work I slept and watched Harry Potter.:) I have watched all five now! I am sure the books are better but I really enjoyed the movies. Now I am writing here. It's good to be me.

Now I am going to continue on and do some dishes. Hmmm. Yep. That's life.

Seriously.

Seriously now. I don't really like talking just to myself. Well, sometimes when I am alone in a room but not when it comes to blogs!:) Soo where did you go?

Let's do something.

Time since....

I have been alone in the house for the last few days. Remember all of my ranting about wanting to live alone so that I could have a schedule? Well, it's probably overrated. I haven't been sleeping downstairs. I have been sleeping on the air mattress in the living room. By morning it has deflated and I am basically lying on the floor but somehow it's better than going and sleeping in the basement where it feels more lonely at night. Yes, life is very empty without people.

As time goes by my mind keeps drifting back to moments little pieces of conversation that we had. I have been so caught up in this restlessness. Always asking what else I should be doing. Where I should go next. While you girls were here there was a settledness. I am Natalie Case. This is my past. These are my friends. This is my life. It's wonderful. I want to hang onto the somehow. I don't need to be more. Who I am. What I have. Is absolutely wonderful.

I read this in an article on the train on the way home (which by the way took two extra hours due to weather and getting caught behind a freight train!). ---- "Let's get caught up in something, some kind of celebration in spite of the darkness inside and out. Let's join in, raise a glass to this story we're writing. We lose the plot at times, but it's our story, the only one we get to write our names on.

And so it always begins with family. The people that raise us up, haunted by their own childhoods...."

So, maybe the plot seemed a little bit clearer while the two of you were here. Celebration was near, palpable. Those hours at night when the house is lonely, the air mattress I am sleeping on is slowly sinking to the floor and fantasy is what keeps me company the plot seems to fade a little. But it's still a part of it. It's still to be celebrated. Taken in. It's the present. It's the story. It's my story. I don't need another one.