Claustrophobia and Ciggarettes

Linds, I have this place inside me that feels so claustrophobic. I feel like I live life so safe. I live so afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing, of making sure that I don't overly expose myself. Someone might see something that they don't like. I want to be done with that part of my life. How does the gap between who I perceive myself to be and who I really am get overcome?

So, I did something silly. It's late and I am alone with this yearning, aching claustrophobia. I wanted to experience something I have never done. So I went and bought cigarettes and smoked while my music was blasting in my car. It's silly. It was just something that I never would have done before. It's so little and it didn't solve anything in my soul but it felt good.:) Cloves smell really good by the way.:)

Quote of the day

"There was a girl in our class who wrote exactly like you, Miss Raether, except hers was really good."

~by Paul during penmanship.

Reason I'm here...

I called you and you were probably still working. The sun is finally out here in MI. I am glad for it's company. I am desiring company of another kind though. The other day my pastor and I were joking about how she was acting like my mom. She said,"well someone has to take care of you out floating in the universe..." It rung true inside me. I have people around me but I don't have a person. Anyway... so that's why I'm here writing you. Even though you are all the way in Cali ,very removed from my everyday life, you are the closest I've got.

I have another song running through my head. I just bought an ipod so that's why there has been a theme of posting songs lately. :) It goes like this. . . "I want to take the preconceived out from underneath your feet-We could shake it off and instead we'll plant some seeds-We'll watch them as they grow and with each new beat from your heart the roots grow deeper and reach for what? Nobody really knows-But underneath it all there's this heart all alone." I have been brushing up against this sense of how safe I live. I live so boxed up, so afraid of turning the wrong way, doing the wrong thing. It might keep me safe but it also keeps me from feeling things, learning and knowing things. If I allow the preconceived to be knocked from under my feet will it make room for new seeds to grow?

Then there is this poem from Mary Oliver-

LISTEN, are you breathing just a little,
and calling it life?...
For how long will you continue to listen to
those dark shouters,
caution and prudence?
Fall in! Fall in!

You, Me

Still thinking about you.... Is joy possible for you right now? If you can find it hold it close. It is a life force.

I played at a bar again the other night. :) This new stage of my life has been so freeing. This realization that I am the only one that can see what's inside of me. Why have I been looking to other people to tell me what's there? Now I am trying hard to hand onto that sense of myself.

I am glad you are here.

Nat, my mom is really sick. She was in the Intensive Care Unit much of last week. Her cancer cells are back up to 30%. She is so precious to me, yet I am stuck here in CA until the middle of June and cannot be with her. My siblings are having trouble growing up and thinking about people other than themselves. Lisa is 4 months pregnant and Mom is talking about flying out here for the birth of the baby. I am scared that she wants to at least see a grandchild in her lifetime. What am I to say?

A Song Says It.

Feel it falling off like clothing
Taste it rolling on your tongue
See the lights above you glowing
Breathe them deep into your lungs

It was always simple
Not hidden hard
You've been pulling at the strings
Playing puppeteer for kings
And you've had enough

But the search ends here
Where the night is totally clear
And your heart is fierce
And now you finally know
You control where you go
You can steer

So hold this feeling like a newborn
A freedom surging through your brain
You have opened up a new dawn
So bring on the wind and the rain

Cos you've been listening for answers
But the city screams and all your dreams go under

But the search ends here
Where the night is totally clear
and your heart is fierce
so now you finally know
you control where you go
you can steer

-Missy Higgins

* This song says exactly what is inside me. I think I am living off of other peoples songs until my own come. I know they are there though. :)

A Magic Song

Flowering Spade

He has a flowering spade
Growing out of his chest
full of magic and healing

She is a flowering spade
as she moves and she sways
you can see that she feels it

She's off to dance with the goat boys
He's of to sail int your wide open ocean
She learned to sing from inside her
He learned to swim from a drop in the water

There are words there are signs
Close your eyes
there is magic inside you

Hear sparks in your mind
frames to chase your desire

She learned to cook from a sailor
He learned to cry in an elephant circus
She found a recipe for flyin'
He's growin' flowers to understand dyin'
Rejoice
Rejoice
There's no such thing as dying
Rejoice
Do you feel like flyin'?

-Sean Hayes

FREE NATALIE.

We had a store meeting last night so a few of us went out to a bar afterwards. There is one guys who is really fired up about social revolution. He raves about capitalism and how we need to speak up for ourselves. A workers peaceful revolution I guess you could say he wants. Then we got onto the topic of religion and money. The two things that seems to tare people apart. As they were talking I just sat there thinking this is too big for me. We all look at it and know that it is upside down. How to go about fixing it? Well there the opinions start to vary.:) Again it is tooo big for me. Which takes me to this. I think I am trying to live too hard. Whatever way I am trying sure doesn't feel free. Having an easy life isn't the point. But having a wholeheartedly free, loving, human life is right?

I was talking to my friend, Alex, on the phone last night. He was waxing eloquent about all the good that he sees around him everyday. He said he has started to trust himself. To take pleasure in things without feeling guilty. He has never been more happy. He has never embraced people with such great abandon! He was talking about how there are so many paths up the mountain and all of us have choices to make. Our own journey. He is convinced it's not so much the destination but the journey. It's seems far off but, Linds, he has really gotten closer to something.

So here I sit. I am thinking about my life. This world view (i don't know what else to call it. I guess it's a good word because it's how I interpret my experiences) I have that is such a part of me. I am convinced that there is something beautiful, good and whole to be salvaged from it. I want to be free and rid of everything else. I don't want it to be a part of me anymore.

So the world is too big and complicated for me. But maybe it just begins with a free Natalie.

The Evil Twin

There are days, weeks even, when some other girl seems to come out of my mouth. I love my students. They are beautiful and smart and wonderful. They are not perfect, but I wish never to forget their graces due to a sprinkling of annoyances. Father, let me love these children wisely and with deep, happy love.

In search of language...

I slept a lot the night before last. I slept A LOT last night. I am sure that there are lot's of psychological reasons why I didn't want to get up but as I was trying to fall asleep my mind was whirling as usual and this is what I decided. I know what I believe. I truly do. I think the problem is that I can't seem to convince anyone else that I do. I just don't have the words. So maybe I just need to find some language that expresses what I believe.

There are some things that I do have language for. I feel alone....but hopeful. I know that this pain is for a reason.

Who am I really?

Life has so much crap in it. Seriously. So much has been going on in almost every area of my life that I am tempted to drop to the floor and drown in a pool of woes. But who am I and what am I made of? This week has been a revealing one. With so much to complain about, I can, in all rightness march forward and proclaim myself victimized. Which is exactly what I spent yesterday doing. I went to bed with the words, "I am not doing this unless You are in it, God." Today I woke with the realization that he is not "in it with me," rather I am in it with Him. Life Sucks. Ok Linds, get over it already and get on with loving hurting people who are in your now.

"Weebles wobble but they don't fall down."

I have been doing a lot of wobbling. It is making me tired and a little dizzy but I haven't fallen over yet!:)

I made coconut curry soup and went over to my pastor's house last night. We had a really good conversation. She told me that I am like a weeble right now!:) The great thing is that she wanted to fix me but didn't try. She just engaged the conversation. I think that is somehow the beauty of all of this. No one can fix me. That's where this is taking me. All I can do is pray now. Either He comes to hold me or I'm stuck perpetually wobbling! Hmmm. I am actually not very worried.

Road Trip Anyone?

Have you read the post before this one yet? If you have then my need for this one will make more sense.

I have been thinking. I want to take a road trip. A long one. A couple of weeks. When else is my life am I just going to be able to drop everything and do it? I am going to be moving in with a friend in a couple of weeks but then I will only be with her until July. That would be the ideal time to go. I wouldn't be locked into a lease. I am thinking that I could have enough money saved by then. Buy a kayak maybe.:) Hit the road.

Do you want to come? I know it sounds a little bit crazy but I've just got this itch that isn't going away. Sooooo..... tell me your thoughts.

Battle in word form.

linds, can i barrow you for a few minutes? I need you right now.

My mind has been an endless battle lately. It's running day and night not stopping, working at life, figuring, trying to make sense of it. It's a silly task for one brain to take own i know but it seems so necessary to me right now. I want to be able to walk into a room and have a sense of myself. Right now there is so much unanswered for me that most of the time I don't know what should come out of my mouth or what my actions should be. I need some ground to stand on. That's why I am wrestling so hard.

It's been a few things that have got me going on this lately. Conversations mostly. People that I work with. Mike is a musician. He writes beautiful, real songs about life and relationships. He grew up in a christian home but now he says he can't morally be a part of organized religion. I say things like I just can't let go of hope. I can't stop believing that there is redemption and healing for us. He will say well, that's a beautiful thought but is it realistic? In the end what can you really know? You are responsible for how you life your own life. In walking away it seems like he has gotten closer. Closer to what? Truth, purpose, love....the way.

Rae is an atheist. She grew up in a catholic home. The painful things that have happened to here growing up have brought her to the conclusion that God can't exist. He doesn't answer prayer. Evolution makes more sense. It's her religion. We have conversations about what can really be proved. About "religious people" that have developed a theology that makes them safe but not real. Cole, Lindsey, Nate...... all of them. Their experiences so different their conclusions so different.

So it has me wondering.... can the way really be what I though it was? Just because somehow I have been able to put all of the pieces of the puzzle together in my brain means that I win! I get that God is God that Jesus is Jesus and that he died on the cross for my sins. I win. I'm in. You on the other hand didn't quite get all of the pieces. It's obscure I know but just open your eyes.

I was driving the other day working and working at this in my brain. Puzzling. I think I was close to making my own brand of religion that would get even more people screwed up! I did walk away with something though. There has to be A WAY. We as humans are not capable of coming up with it on our own. We need to be shown. We need to follow.

I went to the movie theater and watched "Into the Wild" last night. I loved the boldness, the abandon, the pure stupidity at times. :) I can wildly and whole heartedly take that God exists. That He represents everything good and whole. That He is not far away. He is very, very present.

I still can't wrap my mind around "being saved".

I had a very long conversation about this with one of my pastors. He kept saying it all comes down to Jesus. I have heard this before. Over and over. I would have said it before. Is this really the part that I can't swallow? The Jesus part?

Scenario- (because I can't let go of Jesus.) Jesus did die on the cross. He is the way. He is going to come back. Heaven is going to collide with earth. Our redemption. If a person is not living in the way this will not seem like heaven to him. It really has never made sense to me that you say the prayer and then all of the sudden you have the Holy Spirit in us. Where the hell did we get that from? Where the hell did we get hell from too?

Ahhh. Natalie this is sounding an awful lot like universalism. You know what? Can we just be real here? Be willing to admit that maybe our little minds have screwed around with the truth so much that we have tried to turn it around for our gain? Maybe it comes down to that. Am I brave enough to take the truth even if it is not safe for me. How to decide what the truth is well... that's why I need a way isn't it?

You are now seeing the circles my mind is taking. Bless and curse this brain of mine!

I am not sure when I am going to see the other side of this.

At the end of the conversation with, Curt, he said something to me. Pray. Pray, Natalie.

I can do that.

What's in my head?

I started knitting. It's going to be a loooong time before I finish though.

I'm OK being me again. Yep! It's good.

There is Irish Oatmeal boiling in the kitchen. I am going to eat it soon. I'm starving.

I am going to be moving soon. Yeah!

In our meeting today Curt said he noticed about me that I like a lot of freedom. I like to be free to create without bounds. How true that is! No wonder all the chafing here.

You have a lot of reading to do now.

There is reason to all of this. Where I am. I am not suppose to be in school or off in another country trying to help someone. I am suppose to be here working at starbucks with it's sporadic schedule, learning about myself the world around me with all this loneliness, despair, open possibilities, maddening randomness. HEw! I'm OK.

Ha! That's about it running through my brain over and over again.

I'm OK. I'm OK. I'm me. It's good. It's good.

I want to see your face and hear your voice soon.

It's a burrrrizard out there!

There is so much white falling from the sky right now! Every winter is culture shock to me I think. On the way home I got stuck in the snow but some guys helped push me out! So I guess it's going to be me holing up in the house for awhile. It's cozy actually.

I spent the afternoon reading at a bookstore. I found this book called The Mystery of the Child. He has some very insightful thoughts. He gives words to what I have been frustrated about as far as children's ministries goes. He gets pretty philosophical and scientific but it's good to wade through. I like the philosophy part. I think it's more how my brain works but I like how he backs it up with science. Anyways it's a good read.

Joy to you from snowy MI to sunnier Cali!:)

I've got the bluuuuueees.

Ohhh. I hope you get some good rest busy lady. I am sure you need it.

I have been sad all day today. I am not sure why. Is it really true that depression is an inner temper tantrum? I am really mad at whoever came up with that idea. Sometimes things just hurt right?

The day was actually really good. I babysat. It's always nice to play and laugh with those little girls. So why the underlying sadness? I have no idea it's just there. Honestly, it probably has something to do with feeling alone even thought I'm not. There is just a place in me that still is.

This was not a very good post to brighten up your sick day. I am glad there is someone to share this with though. Thank you.

Home sick today.

My class is going on a field trip without me. They are going to see Paul Revere's Midnight ride, while I sleep in late and am blissfully lazy.

All in my toes.

I'll be your Starbucks girl.:) Maybe I will move to WI and work at one. That is actually sounding better and better all the time.

I have had my moments of frustration this week. Actually I don't think I have been that frustrated for a very long time. Usually I get over it quickly but this I was ranting about to myself for about two hours! I had a project to do for church. I had a whole bunch of set backs and then by the time I was done it was one in the morning and it didn't even look nice! On top of that while I am suppose to be the children's ministries director I am struggling with why Sunday school is even in existence. At least in the form it has taken on in most churches today. I feel like we are taking God stuffing him in a box and putting a big bow on Him hoping that they will get "it" somehow. I mean really. How do you take the story of the Good Samaritan or the Mustard Seed and turn it into something that will be pertinent to a 4-5 year old? Maybe we are trying to explain to much. Wonder and getting so caught up in fun that you can't see anything else is such a part of being a child. So why are we telling stories that aren't entertaining? Why are they sitting with their legs crossed and their hands in their laps? Why are the craft projects we do so boring? Glue the cotton ball right here. Don't color outside of the lines. Oh you can't cut it here let me do it for you and you can take it home and pretend like you did something in Sunday school. :0 Seriously. I am so frustrated with it. See? I'm still storming!

There have been wonderful good to my toes moments too though.:) Yesterday I took the whole day off. I woke up late, went and got a triple americano ( my new favorite drink). Then I drove out to a reserve and wandered around on the trails for a couple of hours. The snow was mostly slush and I was soaking but it was so nice to be outside. There was a point though where I had wandered around trying to find my way back to my car and found myself in a place that I had already been. I was there standing with my feet solidly on the ground exhausted but laughing. It was a deep from the bottom of my stomach it doesn't matter who's watching cause this is so gloriously funny right now laugh! It felt good. After that I went to my favorite restaurant and read "the Brother's K" which by the way I think you would really enjoy! It really was the perfect day off.

Then this morning I got up for work and the doors to my car were frozen shut. Oh life!

A life motto? Hmmm I will have to think about that one. Is this for my whole life or just for right now. If it's for right now it would have to have something to do with being comfortable in my own skin. Hmmm.

I think of you. I love you.

Why is There Never A Starbucks When You Need One?

I had this whole rant in me about Starbucks uprooting and not being where you remember them being, losing cell phones and getting the runaround from people at IMAX when desperately searching for said phone. On top of that there has been drama galore at work and church. I've been so mad and frustrated this past week. God is bigger than it all, but frankly, I am just ticked at life not being what I want right now. I don't feel like ranting anymore, but God is going to have to be bigger than I am. When I walk into tomorrow, I pray that it is Him that shows up and not me.

Have you thought about what a motto for your life would be? I have been thinking about it for a while and I think now is the time.